Small is quiet. It’s trying to blend in. It’s quietly raising an objection whilst screaming inside. Small was my default. My way to not be boastful, something which is never an attractive quality in a person, right? Small was safe, comfortable, known, tidy, humble, lonely and self limiting of any notion or belief of being more.
The journey to me today wasn’t easy. I desperately wanted for so many years to fit in. I searched for validation externally whilst running away from my gifts. I looked at other women who seemed to effortlessly have their shit together and think to myself, will this ever be me? Can I ever be that way? It was a constant spiral of self limiting beliefs, comparison, anxiety of the classic over achiever and ridiculous perfectionism goals set in me from an early age which ended up being just the right type of volatile cocktail to cause me to meltdown.
It was in my recovery that I realised I just hadn’t let go of this idea of keeping small. Hiding away from what I truly want and the life I feel I can be happy in. It felt too much responsibility to have the answers. I didn’t know what I wanted, just not this. So I had a choice - continue living small or learn new ways to push back and start letting go of shit that quite frankly was not mine to carry.
And I did. Just like that. I started to question myself. Why am I doing this? What is stopping me? How is this behaviour serving me? And it got easier. I opened up and allowed people to help me heal. I unpeeled the layers of protective armoury I had clung to and embraced the surrendering of ego, of expectation and of my critical inner voice. I used to hide behind my camera, always the one taking the photographs, never in any of them. Today I changed that narrative. I asked my son to take a portrait I had in my mind’s eye for Mother’s Day in my favourite place in the world. I want there to be a record of me for when they look back and I’m no longer around. No more small me.
I learned to tell myself new stories. To be brave. To try stuff out and if it didn’t work, try something else out. As each adventure lead me to a new exciting discovery about myself I was able to connect to my spiritual self and for the first time truly hold a mirror up to who I am. Guess what? I kind of like this woman looking back at me with all her scars, her rawness, her openness and vulnerability. She’s quirky and kind, witty and bright, she’s fun to be around and wants to do great things. So who am I to stop her?
If any of this resonates. Maybe you too have been thinking small and just not realising it. Perhaps you can start to ask yourself the question “why do I think like this?” next time you recognise small thinking and try to uncover the beliefs which may be holding you back.
Wherever you are, whatever your journey, you can always change your story.
Love and light,